The Big Rock Candy Mountain

We've struck gold. Well, perhaps not the motherload but a sizeable stake nonetheless. I'm filing my claim in an area that's name means an "agreeable, extensive area of level or rolling treeless country. Yeah, sounds like the Midwest.
What does this all mean? I have been offered employment, and I have accepted. I will soon be filling the minds of our prosperous youth with the wondrous bunk of Shattuckized American History, English, and Journalism--did I mention I'm in charge of the school newspaper. What fun.

Any way, I started thinking about all of this after I had an encounter with a gentleman named Norman who was working at the Bible Education Center in our local town "mall," which is really a pathetically deserted space with a few unsolicited establishments which somehow manage to scrounge up the lease money each month. How they do it I have no idea--any time I go into the Lincoln Square Mall, I feel like it's deader than the corpses in the funeral home, though I suppose if they're still at the home, they must be relatively fresh but no matter. As a general rule of thumb, I avoid any sort of financial or moral, but mostly financial, support of any business or institution with religious ties (the denomination and faith have no bearing). Although I do make exceptions for the little old ladies who run the Thrift Shop on Elm Street, which is really a front for some Christian charitable organization, but they're just so darn sweet and don't push any of the religious crap ever and they're birthday, wedding, get well, thinking of you, not thinking of you but wish I were thinking of you, Christmas (though I don't celebrate), Easter (though I don't believe it), St. Patrick's, Hannukah (though I'm not Jewish and don't know how oil can burn like that), Valentine's Day (though I think it's a fake holiday created by the card manufacturers), and finally Flag Day cards are just quality and cheap, about a nickel a card. How could I pass that up?

So other than the sweet old bluehairs on Elm, I avoid supporting the churches, the fanatics, even the heretics. Yet today, I found myself in the Bible Education Center looking to purchase a copy of the original 1611 text of the King James Holy Bible. As soon as I stepped in, Norman approached as I expected, sensing that it's the kind of place that doesn't have too many visitors or customers other than the regulars who attend the hosted Bible study. He politely asked how he could assist me, and I informed him that I had been looking for this particular edition/translation of the Bible. He was more than polite in asking why it was that I was interested in this particular text, and I was quick to reply that I was dissatisfied with many of the contemporary translations and editions that tried to update the language but typically did so in misleading ways and often included the "let me think for you" analyses boxes for specific passages and lessons. He shook his head and agreed that many of these newer translations were really paraphrases that often contained bias, which segued into a mini-lecture on the Bible and its various transformations and ended on his sales pitch for the English Standard Version that "most of the students on campus use." It certainly was nice with its colored maps and chart of weights and measures and even the concordance and references that it included. However, it was nearly twenty dollars compared to the three dollar KJV, and I didn't care for how it had adjusted the "word for word" translation of the KJV in the very first verse.

I ended up walking out with two used copies of the KJV for less than four dollars, and I was relatively happy. I hadn't minded Norman's attempt to get me to buy an edition of the Bible that was nearly six times the cost of the translation that I had specifically said I desired to purchase. No, it didn't bother me. I understand Norman's just trying to run a business, A Bible Education Center maybe, but hell, it could be just like the motel business--I don't know, maybe boarders are scarce. What did bother me was the fact that he aggressively, though politely, questioned my reasoning for desire the KJV. It seemed a reasonably simple request and the copies were top shelf right inside the door. Why did I need to explain my reasoning?

I suppose that's what gets me about these Christian, and really generally these religious, types is that they have their technique down. I mean they have it solid. As soon as I gave my reasons, Norman informed me that they were all very good reasons, but then he tried to sell me the ESV. He did say he wouldn't bother me after he gave me his sales pitch, and I think he was just trying to be helpful really, but still I can't shake the feeling that I was strongly encouraged to adjust my opinion/view to match his. There's a sort of preaching of free will and learning with a dogmatic set of blinders attached that imply you really should read that parable this way.

It's the reason why I stopped returning Robert's calls. Robert is a Jehovah's Witness that I used to meet with weekly for nearly two years. I suppose it was unfair of me to entice him by being interested in reading the Bible and learning what it actually says, but I told him up front that I wasn't interested in being religious, joining a church, or having my eyes opened to the supposed glory of God. It really wasn't fair on his part either to think that he could win me over with flattery, constantly saying things like "I love the way you think, man" after I would make only a merely clever observation. My favorite technique of his was when he would tell me how intelligent I was and how since i was so intelligent I would clearly see "that the Bible is truly of divine inspiration" from reading it. Needless to say as the history pseudo-scholar that I am, we never got past the fact that the Bible is a text written, prepared, edited, translated, revised, etc. by men. After a while, I just left it at a mute point, realizing all that I would get back was some circular talk that ultimately relied on the argument that the truth contained in the pages was so powerful that it could have only been divinely inspired, that it was in fact, the word of God, never mind the mortal man who merely made some squigglies on a page. Okay. The one thing about the Jehovahs that I could dig was their quasi-communist views on the world and the end-days--their interpretation that the so-called anti-Christ is simply the governments of the world. I could buy that if I thought that there was an anti-Christ and end-days coming. They lost me of course with the literal interpretation of angels and demons battles and the beast dragging along--that whole insane acid trip that Revelations is, you know. I feel like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas could have been an addendum to that last book in the the Good Book--the prophet Hunter snorting coke off a nun's ass and spiking the holy water with high-powered blotter acid or something, something right up John's crazy alley.

In the end, I guess I just get tired of all of the editorializing and bias that goes on, and I'm tired of it from both sides for that matter. The non-believers exhaust themselves trying to push back equally as hard against the zealots, and trust me I know because I used to waist my time trying to out yell them, screaming fire and brimstone on the main quad, telling me 'You're going to Hell and there's nothing you can do about it.' Oh, and he was so close to winning me over--a convert--with that. Oh well, maybe another time. I'm equally tired of the facade of spreading the word for the word's sake but with a catch--join us and think like us or continue in your ignorance.

I suppose I just hope to let my future students know from the very beginning when I created the classroom and it was without form, I was biased from the start. Perhaps the history students will pick up on it when I teach early religious sects in the States and lament that not nearly enough of them practiced the sound Shaker belief of abstaining from all sexual contact, including procreation--what a wonderful world that would be. The journalism kids will get it straight when I tell them I want to see reporting and they should leave the editorializing to the pundits.

But for now, I'm okay with purchasing from the Bible Education Center. I figure I was supporting a local business, and Lord knows they need the support around here. Otherwise, I'm just taking it easy in the sun. No hobo-in' for a while. I've reached the Big Rock Candy Mountain. First things on the agenda: set up a blog for the school newspaper and create a Writing Club Workshop after school program. I'll be honest, the latter is more for keeping me honest and still writing while working a career job in the straight world. But then, when I tell myself, I will also tell the kids 'write, write, write...and then write some more.'